Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Blackout ratings

You've heard of power rankings, well today BHH looks inside the teams that simply aren't going anywhere, the teams that as of Wednesday afternoon are still at least 5 points out of a playoff spot. And accompanying each team I will force a 90s alternative song to make a joke. Watch, it's like a bad joke formula that's been done before!

1. Florida - Candlebox - Far Behind. Ahead of Boston due to the fact that Florida has a great home record, and more home games than road games remaining. They still have too many points to make up in not enough time.

2. Boston - Pearl Jam - Alive. Their playoff hopes aren't gone yet, but 7 points out of the playoffs with 12 games to play and a handful of teams to jump is one tall order. Savard seems like a great signing at this point, though.

3. Colorado - Nirvana - Breed. The players that lead the Avalanche to their glory years have retired, moved on, or been called Joe Sakic. At least they have son of a star in youngster Paul Stastny.

4. St. Louis - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge. St. Louis is a lot better this year than they were last year. Not that that's saying much. Now if only they can use the offseason to convince their fan base that their losing ways are water under the bridge, they might have some fans at their games next year. Of course, the same can be said for most of these teams. I don't want to make fun of St. Louis for poor attendance. For the record, I only make fun of teams for attendance when people use them as examples of good attendance.

5. Edmonton - Local H - Bound for the Floor. The last time we saw a team rush to the bottom of the standings this quickly was Washington in '04. Of course, Washington's reason was that they traded half their team. Edmonton just kind of stopped winning without Ryan Smyth.

6. Phoenix - Radiohead - High and Dry. Poor drafting and questionable management have left head coach Wayne Gretzky without a lot of proven NHL talent to work with. Of course, if he wasn't a member of said management, it'd be a lot easier to feel sorry for him.

7. Los Angeles - Everclear - Santa Monica. Upon the return of Rob Blake to the Kings, there were lots of feature articles that went up about how happy he was to be able to surf again, and spend his time out on the waves, and about how he was teaching surfing to the King's incoming youngsters. The lack of focus on hockey shows.

8. Chicago - Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name. After years and years and years of mismanagement, it's a miracle Chicago fans haven't killed their owners. Meanwhile the rest of the league just doesn't want to become them.

9. Columbus - Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome. Columbus can't seem to get out of their own way. They've never EVER made the playoffs, despite being a perennial "breakout team." Heck, they were a breakout team twice this year, at the beginning of the year, and again after new coach Ken Hitchcock took over.

10. Washington - Dave Matthews Band - Don't Drink the Water. As the teams looks for it's 3rd straight bottom 5 finish, management promises that holes will be filled next year with pricey, glitzy free agents. Fans wish that the first whole that will be filled is General Manager George McPhee's. Turn around GMGM.

11. Philadelphia - Cracker - Low. Philly was so bad at the beginning of the year, that their recent upswing in play has still left them waaay behind everyone else in the standings. I will say one thing about losing in Philadelphia. It means more here.


Matthew Macaskill said...

Nyce, Montreal fails to make the list. :D

Just curious, what song would you 'award' Montreal?

(It can't be U2's Verigo)

FS said...

As I said, only teams that were more than 5 points out qualified for the list.

Vertigo wouldn't qualify since it was neither 90s nor alternative. I'd give them. "Pretty Noose" by Soundgarden for the way they've choked the last few months.